|How to Commit the Perfect Crime|
|Written by Michael Skinner|
Intro: How to Commit the Perfect Crime
Step 1: Practice crying like a little girl.
Step 2: Practice screaming like a little girl.
Step 3: Practice losing fights.
Step 4: Practice bleeding as much as possible with mininal effort.
Step 5: Practice breaking bones.
Step 6: Study the places on your body which bleed the easiest.
Step 7: The perfect crime in this case will be murder.
Step 8: Find an unarmed person you don't like.
Step 9: In fact, it's better if you find an unarmed person you hate.
Step 10: How can you be sure he is unarmed? Make him go through a gun detector before you force him to fight you. If you really look hard you might be surprised how many gun detectors there are in our society and all the pretexts you can use to force your enemy through one. Certain federal buildings have gun detectors for instance. Many court houses have gun detectors. Even some schools have gun detectors. Send him a package, a supoena or summons. Tell him he needs to meet with school officials.
Step 11: Meanwhile, back at the fight. You have insulted the guy's parantage, grabbed his cell phone, or done whatever it took to force him to fight you. Steal his twinkies!
Step 12: You let him wail on you awhile. Make certain he never hits your head. Force him to hit you in the mouth and postion your lips so they are sure to split and bleed.
Step 13: Right before the fight call 911 and be sure to make them stay on the line so they can hear the fight.
Step 14: Start the fight in front of an audience that is sympathetic to you so they can take pictures of it with their phones and so they can call 911.
Step 15: Be sure to scream like a scared little girl that he is killing you and that you fear for you life. Be very convincing. At some point a jury has to believe you feared for your life.
Step 16: Shoot the winner of the fight stone cold dead.
Step 17: Claim self defense.
Step 18: Congratulations, you have just gotten away with murder.
Step 19: The preceding was all just a fictional story. Not one word was real.