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How to Get Eaten By a Shark

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Written by pondripples   



Intro: Chances are you've seen a movie or two where someone has been eaten by a shark. Jaws always comes to mind, and since that movie, people have been terrified of swimming in the ocean. Watching that movie, you'd think that all you had to do was stick your big toe in the water.

1

Understand your odds.
According to the International Shark Attack File, only one of the 71 people attacked worldwide by sharks in 2007 died. When you consider all the people swimming every day, and the size of the world, it makes you realize this is yet another thing that's harder than it looks in the movies.

2

Swim or dive in open water.
Most attacks near shore seem to be cases of mistaken identity, where the shark bites, then lets go. Based on the few news reports I could find, most fatalities seem to involve a person bleeding to death on the way back to shore after a bite and release. Apparently reports of shark attack in open water, or at depth more often resemble feeding behavior, so if you're planning to actually be eaten, that would be your best bet.

3

Go to Australia near Sydney or California.
These two locations lead the world in shark attacks. Australia has less attacks, but more are fatal. Be aware that these statistics are flawed because both these locations have large numbers of people in the water, particularly surfers. If you can't travel all is not lost.

4

Attract attention to yourself.
Sharks are drawn to frantic splashing the scent of open wounds, the color yellow, high contrast, and reflective things. Get yourself a flashy yellow, silver and black swim suit, cut yourself and swim badly.

5

Go near the shark food.
Find a spot near a marine mammal hang out, a river mouth, or a sharp drop off in the ocean floor.

6

Use bait.

Sharks don't seem to like the way we taste, given the high number of bite and releases, so to get one to actually find you palatable, I'd suggest doing the equivalent of hiding the broccoli in a heavy cheese sauce. I'm guessing this would involve baking yourself into a freshly caught fish cake, then rolling yourself off the deck of a boat into the middle of a feeding frenzy induced by earlier bait. Hopefully the sharks won't notice the funny tasting human they're chowing down on.

Tips & Warnings

Please don't go get eaten by a shark. This article is meant to alleviate your fears of being eaten by a shark.

Resources International Shark Attack File






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