How to Use Proper Etiquette When Attending a Funeral or Wake

One of the reasons people are uncomfortable about attending a funeral or wake is because they are unsure of what to say and how to relate to the grieving family and relatives.

This article should help you feel more asssured by teaching you the proper etiquette as well as knowing that you  have comforted and offered condolences in the best way possible.

You should know what to say, and what NOT to say to the grieving family, relatives or friends. Many of us are guilty of saying the wrong things and regretting it later. I will also offer some helpful advice for those who really don't know what would be most appreciated by the grieving family.

A wake is usually held for the family and close relatives of the deceased as a final gathering to mingle with friends and relatives and discuss meaningful experiences they have had with the deceased in his/her lifetime. So whatever relates to  you and the deceased as to how they enriched your life, or taught you a valuable lesson, for example, will most surely be heartfelt and remembered by the grief stricken family.

Before you attend that wake or funeral, be prepared to express your sincere feelings and add comfort to the bereaved.  You will feel more assured and less uncomfortable if you know ahead of time what you plan on saying.

Step 1: Read the phrases below on what to say, and what not to say.  You should be able to come up with one or two that you would feel comfortable expressing. If you are bringing your children to the wake, you should also teach them what to say and how to behave at this delicate time. It is also a good learning experience for the future.

WHAT TO NEVER SAY:
"At least he/she is not suffering anymore"
"God only takes the good ones early"
"At least his/her death brought the family closer together"
"He/she is finally at peace now"
"They did a good job on him/her, they look so pretty/handsome, etc."
"Now they are with (deceased wife, husband, brother,sister," etc.)
"Their time was up"
"Their number was up"
"At least he/she left you well off financially"
"Did he/she leave you life insurance? a will? enough to live on"? etc.
"Your caretaker duties are finally over"
"God only takes the special ones around the holidays"
"God has a plan for him/her"
"Why didn't she/he ever get along with brother/sister/father/mother", etc.
"Did you get an autopsy? It's strange the way he/she died"
"The doctor/hospital should have done more for him/her"
"He/she looks a lot older than his/her years"
"He/she will be waiting for you in heaven"
"He/she was a heavy smoker wasn't he/she"?
"God has a plan for all of us"
"You look like you are taking it well."
"I know exactly how you feel. My sister/brother/father/mother/friend passed away a few years ago."
"Time will heal your grief."  (You get the idea I hope)

WHAT TO SAY:
"I feel heartbroken. He/She was always so kind to me." (you can mention why in a few simple words)
"We will miss him/her terribly. He/she was always there for us" (you could state an incident where the deceased helped you, but keep it short)
"The office will not be the same without him/her. He/she was what kept us together/happy/content/", etc.
"I remember when he/she (think of something sweet/remarkable/giving/kind," etc.
"Please do  not hesitate to call me if you need anything, even just to talk." (make sure you give them your phone number!)
"I am so sorry for your loss."
"My prayers go out to you and your family."
"He/she had a special place in my heart and I will never forget him/her."
"I always knew I could count on him/her for advice/assistance/honesty," etc.                                                           (Whatever you say, mean it from the heart)

Step 2:  It would also be a nice gesture to send flowers,  a sympathy card,  or a donation to an organization they were involved in.

Step 3:  If you were close to the family, or if you can't make it to the wake or funeral, you should call or write them  and offer your services if needed. Too many people say, "If you need anything, just call" and they don't really mean it.

Step 4:  Another welcoming gesture would to bring over a few prepared meals to the family of the deceased a day or two after the funeral. No one feels like cooking at a time like this.

Step 5:  Be yourself. Show your sympathy. Don't make jokes or drink alcoholic beverages to get a bzz on at the wake or at the home of  the grief stricken family.  It is a time to share good thoughts,  offer condolences,  and  relate warm memories of the deceased as well as showing respect to his or her family.

I hope this article gave you some insight on proper etiquette and proper behavior relating to wakes/funerals.

Comments (4)

gypsiedream said:

	... Good advice.
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April 09, 2010
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DenaBolton said:

	... Very good advice. I would also recommend keeping in touch long after the funeral.
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April 09, 2010
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ShirleyP said:

	... Because it's hard, many people come up with phrases from your don't list. It's uncomfortable but it is necessary to either say the right thing or if that's not possible....to say nothing at all. Good food for thought in this article.
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April 21, 2010
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jswana said:

	... Great guidelines for sure. I guess I've been to so many at this stage in life that I feel as though I say the same thing over and over. You gave me a new approach and thanks (hope I don't need it soon)
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August 24, 2010
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