How To Fight Right

Introduction:

“Oh yeah?  Well, last month you said you’d bring me a new CD.  And last week you promised to take me out!  Now, you’re changing your mind again!  You make me so mad!  You’re such a liar!  I’m leaving you, Jerk!”

Sound familiar?  Even if fighting emotionally purges anger, it really doesn’t solve the problem.  It adds layers of hurt to the resentments felt and over time, promotes communication that can’t be taken back, and allows arguments to derail from the issue that started the angst.

There are rules to fighting right.  Although applying them during times of emotional upheaval is extremely difficult, the end result is well worth the time and effort put into working the steps.  Try it.  You’ll see a difference in your relationships.

Things You’ll Need:

Commitment between partners to use the rules

Patience while trying and learning the rules

A copy of the rules to refer to when arguing

Step One:

Argue only about what made you angry. Don’t bring up a laundry list from day one of the relationship.  Keeping score only serves to fuel the many fights that never get resolved.  Yes, you will end up having the same fight over and over and over.  So let the past go and work towards finding a resolution to the issue that started the current fight.

Step Two:

Don’t blame each other for the emotional consequences of the fighting issue.  Take responsibility for your own feelings.  Instead of giving the power of the manipulation of your emotions to the person you are fighting with, take possession of them by using the "I feel…, when you…, because it hurts…" format.

“I feel angry, when you forget to follow through with what you promised, because it hurts our relationship.”

Who can argue with that?  They’re your emotions.  The partner did forget to follow through with the commitment.  Stating the concern for your relationship gives the partner the opportunity to talk about a resolution because the blame component is gone.

Step Three:

Don’t call names.  You can’t un-call them.  Think about it.  If you’ve been called a name, the hurt from it stays with you for life, whether it came from a parent, a lover or your peer group at school.

Step Four:

Don’t intimidate.  Using power doesn’t help to reach a compromise.  Manipulating someone with threats of leaving the relationship may quiet the argument for the moment, but it doesn’t resolve the issue that started the fight.  Using physical power as a means of winning an argument only initiates fear and repressed anger.  Intimidation in any form does not allow for equality in a relationship.

Step Five:

Be willing to walk away to cool down.  Even if you are the type of person who wants an immediate solution before moving on to something else, be willing to put the issue aside.  Listen to music, write, or go for a walk and pound your feet on the pavement.  Let the anger subside.  Once it’s dissipated, try talking through the problem without the emotional baggage of anger influencing the discussion.  Remind yourself that the issue will be resolved when you have the opportunity to discuss it in a friendly manner.

Tips:

Arguers do not have to adopt one or the other’s way of thinking.  An argument is not a contest where one person wins once they’ve forced the other to think their way.  It is a venue for understanding what each other thinks, so that the arguers may accept, modify, or eliminate the behaviors that spark issues between couples.

Warnings:

If your arguments are so volatile that you can not apply the fight right rules, seek counseling.  For some people, the weekly visit with a counselor gives them the strength to adhere to the format of new solutions.

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